Wednesday, September 12, 2012

So, You're Still Going Through with This?

When you tell people you're engaged, or when you share wedding details, you sort of expect a certain reaction.


Or, perhaps,

"That sounds great!"

When you're planning a wedding with slightly offbeat details, you have to expect a certain amount of...resistance.

Raised eyebrows.


This post isn't about any of that.

This post is about the comments and questions that come seemingly out of nowhere from people you wouldn't expect to make those statements.

"So, you're still going through with this?"

"Is he the one, then?"

"Is this going to be, you know, long-term?"

What I want to know is: have any of you ever had similar conversations during your engagement?

"So, you're still going through with this?"

This might not be an unreasonable question in all situations, especially since it came from a close friend of mine who really cares about me.  Perhaps if a friend notices from the outside that a relationship is unhealthy, or that the couple has major, violent fights all the time, or that either party has been unfaithful, or if the couple had at any point broken up in the past...then yes, this would be a reasonable question to ask.

Except none of these things are true in our relationship, and the friend who asked this question knows that.  She's known me since Mr. Geek and I started dating, she's seen how this has been the healthiest relationship I've ever had, she knows that my day can be instantly improved just by talking about him.  And yet, a few months ago, after asking a few polite questions about wedding planning, she looked me in the eye and asked this question.

"Is he the one, then?"

This might be a reasonable question before the ring comes.  Like, way before the ring comes, when you're first starting to talk about forever, and the word "marriage" is first starting to circulate in your vocabulary.  When you first broach the topic with your girlfriends- "So...we're talking about maybe getting married..."- that's when you expect this question.

Except this question came just a couple of weeks ago, and from a total stranger.  In and of itself, this question wouldn't have necessarily bothered me, except the particular stranger asking the question was a very pushy salesgirl at a clothing store and the entire experience pissed me the hell off.  My friend and I had just come from Paper Source where, yes, I picked up some things for the wedding, then we walked into a cute little boutique just with the intention of looking around.

Apparently business was particularly slow that day because we were assaulted by sales consultants that followed us around and wouldn't leave us alone.  One noticed the Paper Source bag and pelted me with questions about what was inside and why I'd bought them- it clearly took all of her self-control to not rifle through the bag herself.  I felt the easiest explanation was, "I'm getting married in November..." but that led to this airheaded question.

Gee, we're about to get married in a couple of months, but you know, I'm not quite sure if he's the one.  Never put any thought into that question.

"Is this going to be, you know, long-term?"

This might be a reasonable question a close friend asks when a relationship is first beginning, or first starting to move into serious territory.

That is the opposite of the conversation I was having when this question was asked.

About four months into the engagement, I was in a manager's office having a yearly "let's talk about your career" conversation- you know, one of those b.s. talks that HR requires your supervisor to conduct so they can pretend like they care about you as an individual.  This particular manager didn't know much about my personal life, but she did know I was engaged- I mean, I wasn't exactly keeping it a secret.  She thought this would be an appropriate question to ask next.

But it doesn't stop there.

After a slight pause, I answered that yes, yes this will be "long-term" because marriage is until death do we part.

"Because, you know, when I went into my first marriage, I knew that I'd have an exit plan."

I'm sorry, what does any of this have to do with the training classes I'd like to take this year?


So y'all, I'm curious- at any point during your engagement, did someone ask an inappropriate or otherwise jaw-droppingly-rude question?  How did you handle the situation?

Much love,
The Geeks

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