Thursday, February 13, 2014

Fashion Adventures: Awkward

My body isn't my body anymore.  It hasn't been for about a year now.

My body isn't shaped the same as it used to be, it weighs more than it used to, it doesn't look the same as it used to.  And it probably never will.  I'm still getting used to this idea and learning how to deal with it.

But it also doesn't entirely belong to me anymore, either- and it hasn't since I got pregnant.

I haven't been able to eat or drink anything without first considering how it would affect the baby.  I wasn't able to sleep on my back or on my stomach in the latter half of the pregnancy.  I wake up at 4am, and I interrupt my workday several times, and I stay up until nearly 11pm, so that I can pump milk for her to have at daycare every day.  I don't sleep very deeply, and at the slightest hint of an unhappy noise, I'm leaping out of bed to go comfort her.  If she wants to be held- since she's not really a huge fan of being worn in a sling- I can't focus on anything else.  Literally my entire life revolves around Chief, and my body is dedicated to her every whim.

And I love it!

The milk I produce grooms her developing immune system, and I can anticipate when she'll be hungry based on how full I feel.  Holding her close can regulate her body temperature, and my deep, slow breathing eases her into sleep.  I can hear even the quietest of frustrated grunts from the opposite end of the house, and I can tell the difference between "I'm hungry" and "Hold me" and "I'm tired but I don't want to go to sleep."  If you're looking for proof of the existence of God, you can find it in the fact that a mother's body is designed to care for her child- designed, on purpose, not developed by chance.  It's absolutely incredible!

But as much as I love that my body isn't mine anymore, it's still hard to get used to the fact that it doesn't look like my body anymore.  I'm just so...awkward.  The way I walk, the way my clothes fit, the way I look when standing still.  Awkward awkward awkward.

I took these photos not to show off my incredible fashion sense (ha!) but rather to challenge myself to take pictures of myself and post them on the internet, where people can see.  I'm working on changing this body to look a bit more like it used to look, but it's a slow process, and I need to come to terms with what I have.  So you're going to be seeing more outfit photos from me in this awkward, lumpy body, devoid of the cutesy baby bump, because this is me, and I want to share that with you.  And maybe, if I challenge myself to look good for the internet, I might actually feel good about how I look.

So here goes.  Don't laugh too loud at me, okay?


Floral top: LC Lauren Conrad via Kohls
Nursing tank: Motherhood Maternity
Skirt: H&M
Tights: Target
Shoes: Converse Chuck Taylors via Off Broadway Shoes
Watch: Kohls
Earrings: gift

This was my body at 10 weeks post-partum.  I notice very, very subtle changes each week- the first month or so the changes were very pronounced, but now not so much.  Since I've been back at work, I've noticed my legs starting to gain more definition again with all the walking I have to do, but that's about the only difference.  I still have an uncomfortable amount of pudge that will take a while to get rid of.  I do a lot of cooking- we only eat out (or order out) once a week- and I'm trying to keep it mostly healthy, but I do make a lot of pasta and I do have a very, very sweet tooth.  Because I'm breastfeeding, I have an insatiable appetite- I eat seconds at every meal (even breakfast!) and dessert after dinner and snacks during the day and I'm still  hungry all the time.  Couple this with the fact that I have literally no time to properly work out and I feel very much like a cow- a round, pudgy creature that eats all the time and gets hooked up to a machine to be milked.


But when the weather gets warmer, I'll take Chief on more walks outside.  And I'm slowly working more protein into my diet as I discover more easy, quick-fix dinners beyond just pasta dishes.  And I know I can get that sweet tooth under control if I just try a little harder...

My wonderful, amazing husband tells me I'm beautiful every day.  I think, one day soon, I may believe him.

How did you adjust to your new body after the baby arrived?  How quickly did you reach your target weight?  I'm trying not to set a target weight, but rather a target shape- I know what I want to look like, and the numbers matter less.  What was your goal for your post-pregnancy body?  How did you achieve it?

Much love,
The Geeks

*all photos personal*


  1. I obviously have no idea what it feels like to be pregnant or have a baby. But I can imagine that it's SO awkward. It's sweet that your husband tells you you're beautiful. And he should! Hopefully you can know that soon too :) I think taking pics and posting them online is a great way to get more comfortable with your body.

    1. Thank you! I think it was a bit easier to adjust to my pregnant body because baby bumps are considered *super cute* and post-partum lumps are assuredly not, but I'm working on it.