Five Things Pregnant Women are Not Supposed to Say

...but I'm going to say them anyway, because they're things that I feel from time to time, and I figure it's better to be honest than bottle it up.  I was a little afraid to write this post at first because of the inevitable backlash (either in actual comments or just what people will think) but a friend and fellow blogger I admire wrote a similar post a few months ago and nobody ran after her with torches and pitchforks so maybe I'll be just as lucky?

Five Things Pregnant Women are Not Supposed to Say

I really, really miss alcohol.
I feel like such an alcoholic thinking this, but boy is it true.  A glass of wine.  A bottle of cider.  A whiskey and Sprite.  It's not even that I'm looking for the stress relief of a slight buzz or the nearly instant sleep that follows 2 glasses of red wine...I just miss the way these drinks taste.  I find myself sometimes ordering a dish made with a wine sauce just to reminisce over the flavor.  I realize at this point in the pregnancy, a glass of wine once-in-a-blue-moon after a particularly stressful day won't hurt anything, but I'm going to continue this teetotalism for as long as Chief is on breast milk- which will hopefully be for at least a year- aside from dark beer, which I guess I'll have to learn to like as it helps with milk production.  Besides, I'm not having problems falling asleep at night, nor am I too stressed to function, so it's not that I need a glass of wine, it' just that I want one.  Or, you know, a bottle.

Oh wine festivals, how I miss you... // {personal photo}

I'm afraid my baby might be ugly.

She'll be covered in cheesy nastiness.  She'll have a cone head.   She might be a furry little werewolf.  She might get to star in a Proactiv commercial.  I know all of this is perfectly normal, and that not every baby has all of these at birth, but what if Chief looks like a slimy little alien when they hand her to me?  What if I...don't like her?  Of all the things I have to be scared about right now, this is the one that scares me the most.  And I kind of hate myself for it.

I've never been this heavy before in my life and I hate it.
I just want my jeans to fit again- not my fat jeans, the ones that make my butt look good- and I want to be able to hold my baby in my arms.  I'm ready for this pregnancy to be over.  I love feeling Chief move, I love that I can see it when she kicks, I love pressing the palm of my hand against my belly and feeling her little foot press right back, like she's talking to me.  But honestly...I don't love this belly.  I love the baby inside, but I don't love the look of this huge, almost pointy protuberance, or the fact that it's nearly impossible to bend over even slightly.  Mr. Geek makes fun of the way I waddle and the fact that I have to sit down to put on a pair of pants.  I hate it when people tell me how cute my "bump" is- because there's nothing cute about being the size of a whale, and also because it makes me feel guilty for hating the way I look.  I'm glad I took on the challenge of doing outfit photos throughout the pregnancy because it's helped keep me on my toes- I want to really work at looking good (or as good as I can) so I can take pictures that are good enough for the blog, rather than wearing sweat pants every day and wallowing in the misery that comes with the ever-increasing numbers on the scale.

Unless I ask you directly about a specific subject, I don't want to hear your advice or opinions.
-especially if you don't actually have kids.  I feel like we've suddenly joined this super-secret parent club, and I understand that the more established members want to look out for the new initiates so we don't ruin everything they've worked so hard to build, but seriously, stop.  I know you think you're helping when you offer completely unsolicited advice, but honestly, I'm probably not going to follow your directions for "the best way to [xyz]" and then when you find out that I'm doing almost the opposite of what you said, you're going to judge me for it.  So you should probably save us both the trouble and just DON'T SAY ANYTHING, then you won't consider my "bad" choices to be proof that I don't respect your opinion, and you can just judge me for being a "bad" parent instead.  And honestly, childless people- I don't care how many babysitting gigs you've had or how many obnoxious families you've observed in restaurants, you really have no business telling any new parent what they should or shouldn't be doing.

I'm terrified at the thought of natural birth.
-but I'm doing absolutely everything I can to ensure that we can have one.  I seriously want to do this with no drugs, no induction, and no snide remarks from naysayers who think it's both ridiculous and impossible to not take advantage of all the inventions of modern medicine.  I realize women have been doing this for-literally-ever, as evidenced by the fact that the human race still exists, but still- what if I can't do it?  And I don't just mean giving in and begging for the drugs, I mean what if I somehow...screw up, or don't do enough, and Chief suffers because of it?  (I realize I'll be in a hospital, surrounded by people who do this every day, not to mention women who have done this several times themselves, but still.)  And frankly I don't have a very high threshold for pain.  I'm really scared.

Okay there, I said it.  I know you're supposed to be 100% positive all the time and not complain about anything when you're pregnant, but I can't help it- this is what I'm feeling, and I can't help but be honest about the way I feel.

Fellow preggo ladies- what forbidden thoughts go through your mind every day?  Open up and say them in the comments- nothing is off limits here.

Also please nobody hate me for this post.  Please.

Much love,
The Geeks